Mismatched libidos: What to do when you want different things (in bed)

You’re unstoppable, but your partner’s sex drive has flatlined. Or it’s the reverse and you’re not feeling any fire-in-the-pants. Or you love sensual massage marathons, mood lighting, silk sheets, and 48 minutes of foreplay, but they are more of a wham-bam-lets-do-it-in-my-Dodge-Ram kind of person.

Those scenarios can be frustrating and confusing, so we’ve collected a variety of articles from experts who can help.

• Are you erotic? Sensual? Stressed? Detached? Reactive? Dependent? Sandra Pertot, author of When Your Sex Drives Don’t Match, describes the six most common libido types and suggests how they can work together to find common ground in the bedroom.
  
• Don’t give up on sex. Ian Kerner, a sexuality counselor, Good In Bed Founder, and best-selling author, delivers a message of hope and a ton of tips to get you sexually in sync.
  
• Make sure your expectations are realistic. Helen Boyd, an author, lecturer, and advocate, teaches a class on uneven libidos and says you might have an easier time in your sexual relationship if you don’t buy into male or female sex drive myths.
  
• Use desire and sexual response to get in the mood. This video from an Australian talk show features sex, life, and love coach, Jacqueline Hellyer, discussing how atmosphere and attention to detail can help you reignite lost lust even if it’s been dormant for a while.
  
• 5 ways to repair star-crossed sexytime. Glamour mag chimes in on the subject with a couple basic tips around communication and keeping calm.
  
• Does sexual monogamy kill a guy’s libido? Check out this Psychology Today article for some harsh reality.
  
• Is your libido MIA? Women’s Health wants to help you find it.
  
• Advice from Master Your Man. One word: Trepidation. We hesitated with this video link because the site nurtures some cheesy, game-playing stereotypes and it sells seduction materials. But the interview on mismatched libidos with sex expert Kim Switnicki, is actually filled with solid info we found helpful, so there you go.
  

Having read or watched all of this and more, here are three big take-aways we think everyone needs to remember:

• If your lover’s libido takes a nosedive, don’t assume it’s because they’re no longer attracted to you. There are many causes that have nothing to do with you.
  
• Talk about it in a supportive manner and learn what’s really going on.
  
• See a professional if your relationship is suffering from loss of libido and you need additional help.

No matter what you’re going through, we’re rooting for you!

XOXO,
Bedsider

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