How setting boundaries can make sex even better

Salt-N-Pepa had the right idea when they rapped, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.” But you don’t have to spit old-school bars to start your own conversation on the subject. Check out these tips for taking on “the talk” before getting it on in the sheets—or the car, or the kitchen, or the shower, or the…

1. Reconsider your definition of “boundaries”

Boundaries aren’t all “no’s,” and “don’ts,” and building metaphorical walls around your fun parts. “When we think about boundaries, a lot of people think it’s a dirty word, or it’s an obstruction,” says Desirée N. Robinson, a Maryland-based psychotherapist who specializes in sex and intimacy. “Really, it’s this invitation to say, ‘This is how far I plan or desire to go, and this is where I want to invite you to meet me.’ And each person can say yes or no.”

2. Don’t let others set your boundaries for you

Does the thought of putting your sexual wants and needs into words you actually say out loud send you into peak anxiety? You’re not alone in that. But letting someone else set the tone for what you will and won’t do? Hard pass. If there’s one thing in life that should be all fun, all the time, it’s sex, so chuck deuces to anything you’re not absolutely here for—and that includes any partner who tries to control your boundaries.

3. Practice what you’ll say ahead of time

When your nerves are in overdrive, sometimes it may cause you to trip over your words, lose your train of thought, and generally feel a sense of WTF is even happening right now. Stress less by working out what you’ll say in advance with a friend, a therapist, or another person you feel like you can open up to, suggests Dr. Alexis Clarke, a psychologist who provides sex and relationship therapy at RRAEL Counseling in Chicago. And most definitely don’t wait until the clothes are coming off to have your face-to-face. “That way, you have the opportunity to discuss these things beforehand,” Dr. Clarke says. “This is also an opportunity for your partner to discuss their boundaries and ‘why.‘ In an ideal world, this would be an open dialogue in which you’re able to be open and honest with each other as well as ask any questions you may have.”

4. Or turn your talk into all-out foreplay

Think of your upcoming chat as a sexy, pre-show interview where every question has to do with you and your partner’s favorite (and not-so-favorite) ways of getting off. Take the pressure off and turn the horniness up even more by flipping the Q&A into a risqué game. “There’s plenty of online quizzes; you can make it fun,” says Robinson. ThatSexQuiz allows you and your partner to separately answer questions about what you’re into, and then only the things you both said you like or want to try will be revealed at the end of the quiz.

5. Change your mind, if you want

Considering giving anal a try, after all? Not sure period sex really does it for you? Adjust your boundaries as needed, whether it’s setting more limits or opening up to more possibilities. “Just because you’re into a certain sexual activity one day doesn’t mean you always will be”, says Robinson. “We can just say, ‘The next time I see you, I want to try …’”. And just in case you do decide to try something new and end up wanting out mid-act, Dr. Clarke suggests coming up with a safe word, so you can immediately stop what you don’t like and get back to 100% pleasure.