What to ask yourself after a breakup

Breakups suck. That’s an almost-universal truth whether you’ve been the one dumped or the one doing the dumping. But now you’re single again. (Spoiler alert: singlehood could be your best era yet!) Once you’ve had some time to get used to the sound and feel of being solo, it can be a good idea to revisit what went wrong—and right—in your last relationship. It’s not an easy thing to do. Sometimes dwelling on your ex can bring up feelings that range from anger to desire to grief. All of these feelings are valid. But as long as you’re ready to face them, reviewing what happened in the past could help you in future relationships.

When the good times were really good

Relationships can start out with so much hope in the honeymoon phase. It can be helpful to remember the good times, not just to maintain a sense of balance about the time you spent, but to take note of what worked for you. What attracted you to your ex in the beginning? What kinds of traits did they display that are part of the fundamental things you look for in a partner?

When you’re the one who left

Initiating a breakup doesn’t make you immune to heartbreak. But often, the hurt began long before the actual split happened. When was the moment you realized there were problems in your relationship? Were you able to communicate that to your then-lover? Once you reached the point of no return, how did you respond? Think of anything you might have done differently either to make the relationship work or to end it. Not just things that you could have done better, or sooner, but ways you could have been truer to yourself.

When your partner called it quits

If you didn’t see it coming, it can feel bewildering when your partner no longer wants to be with you. That also might be an indication that the two of you were experiencing two different relationships. In that case, you may need to reflect deeply on the times when your ex might have seemed unhappy, or bored, or not present while you were together. This is not to make you responsible for your ex’s lack of communication about their unhappiness. No “I should have known” internal dialogue will be helpful here. Rather, coming to terms with the end of a seemingly happy relationship may require reframing what exactly that union was to both of the people in it.

If this breakup was a long time coming, and your ex just beat you to it, what made you hesitant to let go?

When you just want to move on

It’s true that no amount of rehashing or reviewing the past can change what has already happened in it. And you may just want to move on with your (love) life. The relationship is dead, but you are not. So do an assessment of your own heart. Has your breakup left you feeling insecure or vulnerable about an aspect of your personality, your history, or your body? Where might you need to heal before beginning a new relationship? But also, don’t forget to appraise the good that came from being in love and, hopefully, being loved. What parts of yourself as a lover would you want to carry forward into future encounters? What came alive in you? And, finally, how might you want to grow before you’re ready to fall in love again?

The questions in this review aren’t the be-all end-all, but a short prompt to help you think about your life after the breakup, whether or not you see dating in your immediate future. Wherever you are in the process, and whatever you’re feeling, this glance backward is just for a moment, just for the lesson it offers. Whisper, “Thank U, Next” to your ex and keep moving, because you have so much to look forward to. The greatest adventure in life is always ahead of you when you know how to love.