What to do when your friends hate your new partner
Keep calm and tell your people to chill out
Introducing a new partner to your friends can be nerve-wracking. It’s one of the worst kinds of “good impression” first meetings because you’re not the only one who has to be on your best behavior, everyone else does too, and you can’t control that. You just have to hope they get along so you can live happily ever after with your besties and your bae by your side. But then it happens: you finally gather your friends together to meet your new lover and the meeting flops. They hate each other. Oh no! What do you do next?
It’s important, first, to differentiate between your friends “hating” your partner and showing genuine concern. Sometimes your friends or your lover might have valid issues with the way you’re being treated by other people. Are they pointing out any relationship red flags? It’s not okay when someone tries to isolate you from your friends or other members of your community. But what we’re talking about here is a personality clash rather than serious issues about behavior.
You may feel disappointed or anxious about your partner not getting along with your friends, but it’s not your responsibility to be the glue that makes everyone a big happy family. Still, it’s totally understandable if you wanted them to like each other. A check-in might be helpful here: What’s at the bottom of the conflict, and can it be resolved with a conversation? A bad first impression doesn’t necessarily mean your friends and your partner will become mortal enemies forever. They may just need time to acclimate to one another. Try to give them room to find their own footing in their relationship as people who care about you.
However, if there’s a lot of animosity, it may not be possible for your faves to resolve their differences. In this case, you’ll have to give up trying to matchmake friendship between your friends and your partner. Sometimes people don’t vibe with each other, and that’s okay. If both sides prefer not to interact, then respect their wishes. That means no surprise meet-cutes to help them get to know each other better (it’s tempting, but not a great idea!).
A sticky position like this might require setting boundaries with both your friends and your partner. Let everyone know what an awkward position it is being caught between them and ask them to be considerate of your feelings. No fighting over your time or guilting you for spending time with the other person! On either side, no one should place you in the uncomfortable sitch of having to hear snarky, mean, or disrespectful comments toward people you care about. Make your space a “no-hate zone” and be firm if they don’t respect your boundaries, even in jest.
Your friends and your partner are not children, so they shouldn’t need a babysitter if they have to be in the same room occasionally, right? (Cross your fingers!) Try to give each party a fair warning that the other person will be at an event if you know ahead of time. Beyond that, you can ask them to be polite in public for your sake. No one should be swinging fists or slinging words. Serious altercations might mean reconsidering relationships (either romantic or platonic, or both).
In a perfect world, all the people who love you would also love each other. It’s challenging when that doesn’t happen. But with plenty of communication, boundary-setting, and good, old-fashioned manners, you can have your bae and your besties, too.
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