5 signs it’s time for a friendship breakup

Friendship is a relationship like any other, one that needs maintenance, periodic check-ins, and re-evaluations. Whether it’s a long-term friend or a new buddy, once the friendship leaves the honeymoon phase, you and your friend might go through rough patches. But the road shouldn’t be rocky all the time. If you find yourself butting heads with your BFF more often than not, it may be time to consider a friendship breakup. (Yes, it’s a thing!) It may be hard to let go, but here are a few signs that your friendship has come to the end of the road.

1. Shots fired below the belt

It’s important to fight “fair” even in disagreements with your BFF. Fighting fair means that neither person takes sensitive or personal information told in confidence and uses it against the other person during an argument. Low blows are out of order. If you or your friend are deliberately saying hurtful things you regret in the heat of a fight, it may be a sign of a fundamental breakdown in your friendship.

2. Too many awkward conversations

You used to spend hours on the phone with your buddy, but now a 5-minute phone call feels like walking on glass. It sucks. Sometimes, in long friendships, life changes might shift how close you are to your bestie. That’s not a dealbreaker. But pay attention to the number of awkward conversations you have with each other. What are their responses to the things you’re currently excited about? Are both of you making an effort to show up in conversations? Stilted communication could mean that you two have grown in different directions, and that your values and interests no longer align the way they used to. If maintaining the friendship becomes a chore, the kindest (and hardest) thing you can do might be to let it go.

3. Hypercritical commentary about your life

A friend doesn’t have to agree with every decision you make. In fact, a good friend will care enough about you to tell you honestly when you’ve messed up, and give you grace to correct your mistakes. But if your friend is constantly harping on what you do, who you see, where you go, and what they think is the right choice for you, it can get old pretty quickly. Listen to the tone and substance of their critiques. Are they being unfair? Does it sound as if they don’t trust your judgment? A friend who doesn’t trust you will have a hard time displaying love for you.

4. Consorting with the enemy (or an ex)

If you live and breathe, you probably have people you deeply dislike. Maybe they stabbed you in the back, maybe they’re an ex, maybe their vibe is just not a match with yours. Whatever the reason, your bestie probably knows who is on your IDFWU list and why. If your BFF suddenly starts to hang out with your nemesis, not only is that cause for alarm, but it might cause a wound deep enough to end the friendship. Even worse if they befriend your ex. It’s worth having a serious talk with your friend about this kind of betrayal to see what’s going on and to express how you feel about them connecting with your enemy. If they refuse to hear you out, a friendship breakup might be on the horizon.

5. Refusal to respect your boundaries

Boundaries are essential for any healthy relationship, and they must be clearly communicated with the understanding of both parties. It’s a sign of respect when a friend honors your wishes. But once you explain your boundaries to your friend, restate if clarity is needed, set consequences for crossed boundaries, and even limit your contact with them in hopes that they get the message, you’ve done all you can. It may be time to let the friendship go if your friend continues to carelessly or willfully ignore your expressed boundaries.

If you and your BFF are on the rocks, but not in a place where you’re thinking about calling it quits, be sure to address the issues causing friction. Dealing with the termination of a friendship, especially a close one, is a kind of heartbreak people don’t discuss often enough. Give yourself plenty of time and grace to process your decision and to heal from any possible grief.