How can I help? A doula’s tips for when someone you love is trying to get pregnant

When you’re focused on trying to prevent pregnancy, it can be easy to overlook the experience of those who are actually trying to get pregnant. If you haven’t been on a journey of trying to conceive (TTC) yourself, you may not have heard much about what it’s like, as it’s something people don’t always discuss. Maybe you first encountered this topic because of the storyline of a TV show or a movie. With those plots you might see things like couples timing when they have sex, temperature taking, having interestingly timed encounters in the bathroom at a party, or having sex in different positions. Although it makes for fun TV, it doesn’t show the fuller picture of the topic of TTC, which for some people can be long and include more steps (and more people!).

The World Health Organization estimates that about 1 in 6 people globally are affected by infertility in their lifetime. In the U.S., about 4 in 10 people will use some type of help to become pregnant according to the Pew Research Center. Help includes things like medications to encourage ovulation; procedures to unblock the fallopian tubes, epididymis, or uterus; in vitro fertilization (IVF); intrauterine insemination (IUI); and/or needing to find the materials needed to make a baby (sperm or eggs). Even though data says TTC journeys are more common than we might realize, the road to pregnancy, and the twists and turns it can take, aren’t always talked about, which means ideas for how to support someone in this journey might be hard to find. But being there for loved ones who are trying to get pregnant can make a huge difference in their experience. This is especially true if they are a person of color as there is still a disparity in access and use of fertility treatments for Black and brown communities, so feelings of isolation may be even more intense for them. Here are some ways you could show up:

1. Ask your loved one how to best support them.

Each person who is on a TTC journey will experience it differently and need different support. When in doubt, ask them what would be helpful to them, and be prepared to offer up suggestions for how you can uniquely show up (that’s what the rest of the list is for!).

2. Validate their feelings.

There could be a range of feelings they might feel at any given time. Regardless of where they are on the road to pregnancy or how long they’ve been working to become or stay pregnant, the feelings can be intense, they may be mixed, and no matter what they’re real. Listen actively, acknowledge that what they’re feeling deserves attention, be empathetic, and offer comfort.

3. Help create self-care plans (and if you’re a partner in the TTC journey make sure you create a plan for yourself too!).

The road to pregnancy can take a toll on people physically but also mentally, emotionally, and financially. Helping your loved one identify and carry out different ways to pour back into themselves can lead to a more positive experience overall, even when times get really tough. The list of ideas can include simpler, low-cost self-care treats like favorite foods and feel-good movie nights, as well as more involved self-care, like pairing a certain ritual to a certain activity or moments in their journey (for example, doing things to express gratitude and care for their body if their period comes or after a negative pregnancy test). It can also be helpful to support someone on their TTC journey in creating and holding boundaries with others (including you!).

4. Avoid certain questions and phrases.

There are certain things that people often say that are not helpful in most cases and would be better to avoid, like, “are you pregnant yet?”, “when do you think it will happen?”, “once you stop thinking about it, it will happen,” or “[insert unsolicited advice/cliché here].” Even when we as community members say things with the best intentions, it can come off as judgmental or dismissive of what people are experiencing.

5. Offer to help with research and referrals.

There’s so much out there about trying to get pregnant, including information on how long to wait before seeking medical support, hormone levels, menstrual cycle tracking, procedure options, medications, finding sperm, financial support, and other support resources (like fertility doulas). With everything else your loved one is doing just to be an adult, having to sift through all of that information can be overwhelming for just one person! Offer to help them with finding resources or information in one or two categories to lighten the mental load (for example, helping them find grant programs or even helping come up with a list of questions that they can ask their provider).

6. Provide companionship during or after a provider visit.

Physically showing up can be really helpful. If you’re present at a visit you can be a second set of ears for information they receive about options, you can provide comfort and relaxation support, and you can ask questions they may not have thought of. If you’re physically with them after the visit, you can help them with their post-visit self-care, process the visit with them, and help them figure out possible next steps or follow-up questions.

7. Respect their boundaries.

Understand that each person who goes on this journey will have different sensitivities. These can include things like whether or not they’d like to be invited to baby showers and birthday parties, whether they want to talk about what’s going on with their journey, or whether they want to see pictures of other people’s sonograms or births. How folks feel can also change over time, so continue to check in, offer open invitations or other ways for them to stay connected, and let them know that you’re there for them.

8. Help them celebrate the big and small moments.

There might be a lot of ups and downs, and there will likely be lots of waiting. Whatever they see as a win is a win and you can be there to help them honor that and find the joys wherever they may be in the process.

9. Know your limits and when you might need to suggest other support.

This can include support from a therapist, fertility doula support, and/or TTC support groups and communities. Being in community with others that have a deeper, shared understanding of what they’re going through, and who have additional resources, can decrease the feelings of isolation or shame that someone might feel.