The art of the relationship check-in: Why, how, and when to do it

If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship, you know how easy it is to let regular relationship maintenance slide. Before you know it, you realize you’ve both built up some resentments and hang-ups over the past year. What if instead of that, we try talking to each other?

Regular check-ins with your partner are the toilet bowl cleaning of relationships. It’s not like you _want_ to do it, but the longer you wait, the messier it’s going to get. We’d recommend starting with monthly rather than weekly check-ins so nobody gets too overwhelmed, and then if you want to do them more frequently, you can figure that out as you go. Make sure you both have time blocked off so you can have the whole conversation without interruptions. And if at any point, things start to veer into argument territory, remember these principles.

Here are 10 questions to get you started:

1. Is there anything you’ve been wanting to bring up with me but haven’t yet?
2. Are there any routines you want to try changing up this month?
3. Is there anything new you want to try sexually this month?
4. How has the division of labor related to household chores (including mental labor) felt to you lately?
5. Have you gotten the support you’ve needed from me over the past month? If not, what could I have done differently to help?
6. Is there anything you did recently that I didn’t notice that you wanted me to?
7. What’s one thing that I did in the last month that made you feel loved?
8. Have you felt we’ve been sharing the emotional labor in our relationship equitably over the past month?
9. Has your need for intimacy (physical, emotional, all of the above) been met lately?
10. Is there anything in the coming month that you’ll need extra support for?