5 relationship red flags to look out for

We’ve talked about first date red flags, but what about when you’re already in a relationship with someone? Knowing how to spot a red flag can help you recognize unhealthy patterns.

What are red flags in a relationship?

Red flags are warning signs that the relationship could be unhealthy, controlling, or even abusive. They can show up at the beginning of a relationship. A partner might disguise their behavior as signs of love or concern. Red flags can also show up slowly over time.

Disagreements happen in relationships. They can even be healthy if followed by open communication and resolution. But if your partner repeats a behavior that makes you feel unsafe, it’s worth paying attention. If you see red flags, they might mean control, jealousy, or manipulation are part of the picture.

What are five common red flags in relationships?

1. Your partner tries to control your choices

Controlling behavior is one of the clearest relationship red flags. This may include a partner dictating what you wear, what you post online, or who you spend time with. Control isn’t always obvious at first. A partner may call a certain demand a “boundary,” but boundaries are not about how someone else has to behave. A boundary is a personal choice that influences what a person will or will not accept.

Interfering with your birth control or reproductive choices is also a form of control. This is called reproductive coercion and it is a type of abuse. Reproductive coercion includes:

• Hiding birth control pills
• Damaging condoms
• Pressuring you about pregnancy
• Removing a condom without consent (aka stealthing)

2. Your partner’s jealousy limits your independence

Jealousy that’s used to watch what you’re doing or isolate you from other people is a big relationship red flag. Maybe a partner checks your phone or makes you feel guilty for spending time with other people. They might also not like you having interests outside of your relationship.

They may also feel threatened by your success instead of being happy for you. But having a partner who supports your goals and respects your independence? Talk about a green flag.

3. Your partner avoids communication or gaslights you

If your concerns are dismissed or never resolved, this is a red flag. Taking time to cool down during an argument can be healthy and is normal. If a partner refuses to revisit the issue later, or is making you afraid to express your feelings, this is something totally different.

When you tell your partner that something bothers you, a green flag is when they listen and want to make things better. If they twist the conversation to make you feel like you’re being too sensitive, this is gaslighting. They might deny that it actually happened the way you remember. Gaslighting makes you doubt your experiences. It’s a form of emotional manipulation.

4. Your partner uses love bombing to pull you in or win you back

Love bombing involves overwhelming someone with affection, attention, or gifts. It often comes with big promises that may feel overwhelming or too good to be true. You might notice love bombing early in a relationship. It can also happen later, especially after a partner has hurt you or crossed a boundary.

5. Substance use leads to anger or unsafe behavior

It’s a serious red flag if your partner becomes angry or violent when drinking or using drugs. This is true even if they act nice or loving when sober. Alcohol or drug use doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. If you feel afraid of your partner or like it’s your fault how they act out, it’s a sign that something isn’t right.

What should you do if you notice relationship red flags?

• Trust your gut if something feels uncomfortable or unsafe.
• Talk with someone you trust to get support and an outside perspective.
• Think about what you need to feel safe and respected, whether that means setting a boundary or leaving the relationship.
• Contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, Love is Respect National Dating Abuse Hotline , or RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) for confidential support.