8 first date red flags you shouldn't ignore

We really don’t believe in hard and fast dating rules. First of all, different things work for different people. Secondly, it’s better to be yourself from the beginning. If you follow rules that make you act differently than you otherwise would, you may not find out until you’re already in a relationship that you’re incompatible. Despite all that, we do think these 8 things should give you pause at the very least if they happen on a first date.

1. They don’t you ask any questions

This is a red flag in any relationship, but especially so on a first date, when it should be all about asking questions to get to know each other. If all they do is talk about themselves, they’re showing you that they’re probably not the best at thinking about or focusing on other people and their needs.

2. They talk about your future together

At best, it’s really presumptuous, even if a date is going super well, to start talking about any kind of future beyond asking you if you’d like to go on a second date. At worst, it’s downright creepy!

3. They talk about their ex too much

This is one of those timeless classics that’s been a red flag since the invention of the color red. If they can’t stop talking about their ex—in a negative OR positive way—they may just not be over their breakup and ready to date again. It’s okay to ask directly in this situation. You can say something like “Do you feel like you’ve moved on from that relationship and you’re ready to be dating again?”

4. They’re rude to the server or bartender

This is just an all around red flag for human beings. Please, can we just be nice to the people who are working hard all day long so that we can have nice things and experiences? Getting super angry about a small mistake, talking down to people, or refusing to tip are all extremely problematic. These behaviors demonstrate that this person feels a level of entitlement and superiority that does not bode well for any partnership.

5. They’re looking at their phone the whole time

If they can’t give you their full attention on the first date, what do you think an average Wednesday night in year 5 of your relationship is going to look like?

6. They question your life experiences

Anyone who seems doubtful when you talk about things that have happened to you—especially if you’re sharing your experience of being marginalized or any experience of trauma, but really at all—gets an automatic no from us.

7. They don’t believe access to reproductive health care is a big f-in deal

If someone shrugs off the importance of birth control, abortion, or other reproductive health care, or the importance of your right to those things, just think about what that says - not just about their beliefs but about how those beliefs affect your values and more importantly, your body. This isn’t even really about politics; it’s about whether they respect your right to make decisions about your own life and health.

Reproductive health care is a basic human right. Dismissing its importance signals a deeper incompatibility–it’s a major red flag that’s 100% worth walking away from.

PS: Consider whether you may even want to ask about this before you even meet in person. It’s a simple way to weed out people who don’t align with (or respect) your values. Seriously, who has time for that?

8. They talk about crypto

We’re just going to leave this here.