What to do with your dusty, unused sex toys

Are your sex toys just a pile of neglected silicone, a shrine to better days, looking both sad and also somehow smug? Are they taunting you by reminding you of a time when you used to know how to have fun? No problem, we’re here with 5 not-sad-at-all alternative uses for your sex toys so you no longer have to sit idly by while they laugh at you and conspire to eat your face after you die alone in your apartment.

1. Avant garde necklace holder

Take a page from Abbi Abrams and turn your dildo into a tasteful wall ornament that will display your many necklace options. Very Drew Barrymore.

2. Substitute hammer

Have a nail sticking up out of the floor that you keep snagging your socks on? No problem, just take that old stainless steel butt plug and bang it into place.

3. Turkey baster

Flip the script. Instead of putting the turkey baster to work in the bedroom, put the squirting dildo to work in the kitchen.

4. Snack delivery system

For a fun new way to eat your night snacks, try placing them individually atop a thruster and feeding yourself in a totally useless manner fit only for year two of a pandemic.

5. Back massager

This may blow some minds, but have you ever considered using your vibrator as a back massager? It could really help you relax. Just don’t tell the manufacturer.