How to make your boss think you’re working from home when really you’re having daytime sex

Working from home has its downsides (days on end without showering, forgetting how to eat in public, growing accustomed to never wearing pants so when you have to leave the house a real waistband feels like a torture device), but it also has many, many perks. One of those perks is that if you are a person who still has any interest in sex, you could feasibly squeeze in some afternoon delight between meetings, something that would be very hard (though not impossible!) to pull off when working in an office environment. Whether that’s a quick romp with your partner or a solo sesh in celebration of May being Masturbation Month, here’s how to get away with this midday stress reliever.

1. Block off your calendar with a “meeting”

Put a fake meeting in your calendar so people won’t bother you. If you think about it, it’s not even fake, it’s a real meeting—a meeting of the butts! We like an emphatic “DO NOT SCHEDULE” followed by vague references to a “planning session” or “prep.”

2. Send a flurry of emails right before you go dark

This is a classic diversion, as useful at work as it is at family gatherings. Throw a lot at them all at once and while they’re occupied being like, “Wait, what? Wow, that was a lot!” you run off and do what you want to do. Send five emails in a row to your manager filled with things for them to approve, and they’ll be avoiding you like the plague for the next several hours. Admittedly, some managers are more easily tricked than others, so YMMV on this one.

3. Vary the time/day so no one picks up on a pattern of unavailability

Don’t get cocky just because it works once. You have to keep them on their toes. If you schedule a weekly daytime sex session every Friday morning, people are going to start to notice after a few weeks.

4. Give yourself 15 minutes before your next Zoom meeting

You definitely don’t want to show up to a meeting with flushed skin and sex hair (though right now, that could just be your #quarantinestyle and probably no one would care). Schedule in a buffer to get tidied up and cover your tracks before your next meeting. Or better yet, claim wifi problems (“Ugh! So frustrating. Must be because everyone’s at home!”) and skip video altogether.

5. Turn your notifications and ringer on

While we would normally give the opposite advice, the last thing you want to do in the middle of the work day is miss an important, last-minute meeting or miss seven calls from your boss. It seems counterintuitive, but turning your notifications and ringer on can actually help you keep your head in the game and reduce the temptation to check your phone, which can really kill the mood. This way you know that if there’s an emergency, you’ll hear about it.

6. Shorten your meetings

Did you know that Google Calendar has a setting for “speedy meetings” that automatically shortens your hour-long meetings to 50 minutes and your 30-minute meetings to 25 minutes? All in the name of efficiency! Not only will your coworkers be singing songs about you, but you’ll have given yourself many opportunities for hanky panky throughout the workday.

7. If all else fails, remember you were going to be pantsless either way

So just have sex with a shirt on, and you’re ready to go from sexytimes to business b*tch in 60 seconds or less.

XOXO,
Bedsider

P.S. Wondering if telehealth is covered by insurance and if it’s affordable if you don’t have insurance? We’ve got the answers to all of your questions.