How to have sex when your cat is staring at you

Cats have an uncanny ability to sense the worst time to make their presence known and then seize the opportunity. If they’re not enjoying an epic poop while you’re trying to eat dinner, then they’re jumping on your face at the exact moment that you’re finally falling asleep.

Of course we could never stay mad at Mr. Darcy—all he wants is some lovin’, just like the rest of us! But what if you’re actually getting some lovin’, and you look up to see that he’s staring right at you like a total creep? Or worse yet, what if he starts batting at your face with one of those adorable little paws he’s so famous for?

Why do cats do this? Do they think it’s play time, and they’re confused as to why you’re playing with someone who isn’t them? Do they actually know exactly what you’re doing, and they DO NOT LIKE IT ONE BIT, YOUNG LADY, NOT ONE BIT? Are they judging your moves? Or do they just not like your new partner?

We’ll never have the answer. But we do have some strategies for dealing with it.

Close your eyes and whisper “I’m in France”

This is the old pretend it’s not happening method. Works for midterms, works for this. (Doesn’t work for birth control though, so find a method that works for you and exists outside of your mind.)

Toss a toy out the door and slam it shut behind her

This is a good way to go when Lady Catelyn Stark decides to snuggle up and make some biscuits when you’re in the middle of, um, more important things. Especially if your partner isn’t a cat person.

One anonymous source close to a cat told us, “With my last boyfriend, my cat tried to physically squeeze between us once or twice. My boyfriend wasn’t a cat-lover, so he kind of freaked out. Needless to say, the cat is still in my life, and the boyfriend is not.” So yeah, whether you kick the cat out of the room or the human out of your life, it’s up to you, but sometimes three’s a crowd!

Try to reason with him

You may have no choice but to treat Benedict Cumbercat like the person he thinks he is.

“Typically, I try not to make eye contact,” said our source, “but from time to time I’ll call out ‘Almost done!’ so he won’t feel ignored.” Cats do seem to understand much more than most people give them credit for, so simple minute-to-minute updates on how things are progressing might just be the way to go.

Best of luck, both to you and to Sir Flufflebottoms.